Translation from French to English
ELLE QUÉBEC, September 2019, pages 46, 47 and 48
COMPERSION: The new cool emotion?
This Spring, Florian told his lover, Tanner, that he had recently fallen in love with another man. Did his boyfriend feel betrayed, jealous? Not at all. Tanner felt a sincere joy for Florian, and they made love. His behavior is specific to the feeling named compersion, an emotion – mostly associated with polyamory – which involves REJOICING IN THE HAPPINESS AND PLEASURE OF OTHERS.
TEXT: SAMUEL LAROCHELLE PHOTOGRAPH: TOTH MATUS
Feeling happy about the happiness of others has always existed. However, the term "compersion" was invented in California, in the Kerista community in the 1970s, while polyamory was gaining a substantial following. This relational dynamic, which is gaining popularity today, is pushing many men and women, all sexual orientations combined, to engage the idea of compersion. "The concept is experienced in a consensually non-monogamous context. Even if we are not physically present with the others, we do not feel rejected or excluded”, says Marie-Isabelle Thouin-Savard, PhD student in psychology at the California Institute of Integral Studies.
For Florian, compersion is as follows: anything that makes the people he loves happy will make him happy. "When Tanner told me that he also had a new boyfriend, we talked for two hours because I was so empathetic and curious about what he was going through”, explains the man in his forties. It's part of his life, his happiness. I do not feel put aside, even if I am not present with him when he has his experiences. My feelings would be different if he did not talk to me about it. "
He illustrates his relational life with a metaphor. "Just because you have works of art at home does not mean you cannot enjoy going to the museum," he laughs. I have always told my friends that I can love many people at once."
Having previously been in a "triad", or relationship with three partners who are all in love with each other, Florian now leads two love relationships in parallel, in addition to some adventures. "I first look for the emotional connection before the physical connection. For me, love can have a very long or very short duration. I can love someone very intensely, for an evening or a week. I also have long-term relationships."
"I DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH JUST
ANYBODY. POLYAMORY IS
NOT AN INCAPACITY TO MAKE
CHOICES OR TO ENGAGE. "
That said, he refuses the cliché that polyamory is a sign of insatiability. "I do not do that because I always want more. I do not fall in love with just anyone. Polyamory is not an inability to make choices or to engage. On the contrary, it's a lot of work. "
Polyamory after the wedding
Margot, a 31-year-old Montrealer, has been married and was “fully monogamous” for years. Yet she has known for a long time that she can be lit by more than one person without affecting her interest in another. "During my marriage, I did not talk about it to my husband, because it was not socially acceptable, but I did not live my attraction [towards others] with difficulty. It was not a sign that our marriage was going badly. "After their separation and reading of The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures (Tabou Éditions), she changed her modus operandi. "In closing the book, I realized that we grow up with the idea that our partner must meet all our needs, that they must be perfect. Yet, even though my husband was an exceptional being, many people around me fulfilled other needs, not necessarily love or sexual ones. So, if we can apply this logic to friends, why not do it for romantic relationships?"
Now convinced that there are other ways to be in a relationship, she suggested to her next partner that she should also read The Ethical Slut from the outset. "We started on that basis. During that time, I had other relationships, including a serious but short-lived relationship." Describing herself as a "baby poly" because of her inexperience, she struggled to cope with the emotions of the other person. "My feelings for her were clear, but I had to constantly reassure her about how I felt. I did not understand the attention that polyamory requires, and the time it takes. "
She tried again since the former relationship perished, this time forming a "triad" with two other women. Since the three partners have been cohabitating for a year, they experience compersion daily. "Sometimes, my girlfriends have moments of complicity in front of me, says Margot. They are able to understand each other without speaking, and they see certain situations the same way. I do not always understand it, but it makes me happy. I consider myself lucky to be part of it."
She says, however, that it took some time to reach that balance. "Today, when my girlfriends spend an evening together, I'm happy. I do not have all the weight of a person's happiness on my shoulders. But I can not predict the future, Maybe what they are going to develop together will be so strong that I will be eclipsed."
Without jealousy, really?
Polyamory therefore does not erase all fears from a love dynamic. Marie-Isabelle Thouin-Savard evokes the existence of a spectrum between compersion and jealousy. "At the center, there is a kind of neutrality: we can accept that our partner has a relationship with another, without feeling neither pleasure nor discomfort, she says. At one end of the spectrum there is jealousy; at the other, true compersion when our partner lives something that enriches the relationship without us feeling threatened."
For example, since libido will vary from one individual to another, sometimes a partner wants less sex than the other, which can create a sense of pressure and guilt for the partner who wants less. Conversely, the partner who wants more can feel rejected. "If we allow the latter to go out of the couple on an ad hoc basis to get what they need sexually, without feelings of guilt or rejection, then compersion can be part of the couple’s dynamic. We can be happy to see them come back more fulfilled", says Ms. Thouin-Savard.
Of course, compersion does not just affect sex. "For example, if our partner loves to dance, but we never want to go with him, they can find a dance partner and express that desire without us," says the specialist. This is not a sign that our relationship is fragile. They will come back happy. We will both enjoy it."
“OFTEN, I WAS JEALOUS BECAUSE
SHE HAD QUALITIES THAT I DID NOT.
HOWEVER, MY LOVER ALWAYS CAME
BACK TO ME”
So, exit the guilt feelings of not fulfilling all the needs of the loved one. “Society promotes monogamy as the only way to live healthy relationships. It thus creates the illusion that we should meet all the needs of our partner and vice versa. Yet, we are beginning to realize that this is not possible," adds Ms. Thouin-Savard.
An emotion that can be learned
The concept can, however, engender feelings of insecurity. A notion different than jealousy for Tanner. "I'm very happy when Florian has a great time with another man," he says. I'm not jealous. However, a small part of me is still afraid of losing him. If I am reassured on this aspect, I am happy to hear his stories. It stimulates me a lot. "
He says, however, that he had to develop his capacity to feel compersion. "One always learns a lot when trying to evolve in a relationship. I had to learn how to express my desires and my feelings, how to respect my limits and how to understand the other. "
Margot also had to learn how to tame the whirlwind of emotions that inhabited her: "Sometimes I had violent feelings of jealousy, because I felt myself excluded when my two lovers experienced a beautiful moment together. "
When her latest boyfriend found a girl interesting, she needed to understand why. "I was often jealous because she had qualities that I did not have. Still, my lover was always coming back to me."
The situation is similar with her two current girlfriends. "When they are together on a date, it gives me the opportunity to spend a moment alone, which is very precious. Afterwards, they are still in love with me. Society believes that I am putting myself in danger, as if I was not taking care of my relationships, but, on the contrary, I am strengthening my feeling of security because the more freedom I allow them, the more my lovers are keen to return to me."
Non polyamorous compersion
Ironically, compersion can rub shoulders with jealousy. "You can feel mentally compersive, but be viscerally carried away by a stream of jealousy," says Ms. Thouin-Savard. It's like in the workplace: if a colleague has a promotion, you can be sincerely happy for them while feeling you would have liked to get the job."
Fundamentally, compersion exists outside of polyamory. "It's not so different than the feeling of joy we experience for someone we love when something beautiful happens to that person," says the specialist.
This view is shared by Julie-Anne Boisvert-Lessard, a 32-year-old Montrealer who last Spring, at a time when she was facing several obstacles in her personal and professional life, became aware of the positive effect she received from seeing her loved ones experiencing happiness. "My best friend was about to give birth and have the family she had been dreaming of for four years. Another friend, a soldier, was selected to go on a humanitarian mission, something she had been hoping for for years. These successes did not directly affect my life, but seeing them happy filled me with joy. "
She made this observation after a period of intense introspection. "The difficulties I went through forced me to question myself and realize that I was not happy alone. Because I worked on myself, I understood that from the moment you create your own happiness, you can fully appreciate it, become aware of what surrounds you and taste the compersion with others."
In her case, it is a case of "socially acceptable" compersion. Indeed, compersion and polyamory still make many people cringe, according to Marie-Isabelle Thouin-Savard. "In a sense, they threaten the social order which is based on monogamy and the nuclear family. Mononormativity is ultra present in the media, and society has put jealousy on a pedestal. Yet jealousy is not love, but rather fear."
She believes that we shouldn’t allow jealousy the power to dictate our relationships. "In the evolution of our species, jealousy has had many reasons to exist, but we are in a very different context now. There is a big change on the social level. Jealousy may not be so important in the future... " ■
