Guest blog by Kathy Labriola, Counselor, Nurse, & Author
What is compersion?
People in open relationships sometimes use the term “Compersion” to describe a combination of pleasant thoughts and feelings you may experience towards your partner when they are sexually involved with someone else. The theory is that because you love your partner, you can feel supportive and happy that they are enjoying an outside lover. This concept seems counter-intuitive to most people, as we are socialized to feel hostile to our partner having any outside sexual interest.
Jealousy is a “constricted state”
Because an outside relationship feels threatening, we “constrict” or hunker down to protect our relationship. In a “constricted” state, the ancient reptilian part of our brain believes that our life is at stake, so all options narrow to focus on survival. This creates such hypervigilance that we are ready to fight rather than problem-solve. We can work towards feeling compersion by noticing this “constricted” state of jealousy and moving towards a more “expansive” state. If we can override fears, we can feel more trusting, flexible, and open to finding solutions.
Recognize and counteract constricted thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations
Jealousy creates a constricted mental and emotional state, causing obsessive thoughts and exaggerated fears. It takes a strong effort to counteract these thoughts and feelings. Confronting the distorted and rigid thoughts and critical feelings will help you see if they are accurate, and then taking steps to take care of yourself to move into a more expansive state.
Pay attention to what your body is telling you
Notice the signs of constriction in your body, in order to be able to modify that state and create additional options. When you are feeling jealous, your jaws may be clenched, the muscles in your neck and shoulders tighten up, and stomach pain or nausea are common.
Any activity that encourages relaxation can help alleviate this physical state of tension. Meditation, relaxation downloads, yoga, walking, gardening, knitting, being in nature, massage, listening to music, can all “retrain” your body to stay more relaxed and comfortable.
Calm your Mind
What thoughts are rushing around in your head during a “jealousy meltdown,” especially thoughts that keep recurring? Write these down and circle the appropriate answer as to whether these statements are likely to be true, false, or have some kernel of truth but not be completely true. Here are a few common examples:
1. ”He doesn't love me anymore; that's why he is dating someone else”
True False Contains some small kernel of truth
2. “He must think I'm pathetic and needy”
True False Contains some small kernel of truth
3. “I'll never be good enough for her, and I could never compete with her attractive new lover.”
True False Contains some small kernel of truth
If you are able to see that some of your thoughts do not reflect reality, tell yourself: “These are fears, not facts.” Repeat that mantra whenever these specific thoughts recur.
If you can see that some thoughts have a small kernel of truth but are not entirely true, see if you can separate fact from fiction, and write down a more accurate description without exaggeration. The actual truth is usually much easier to handle than the embellished version.
If you strongly believe that some of these thoughts are 100% true, call a trusted friend and ask them if they agree. If so, then it is probably time to sit down with your partner and share these feelings.
Diego and his partner Lena lived together in New York. Diego developed a relationship with Anna, who lived in Boston where Diego traveled monthly for work. When Diego went to Boston, Lena's mind was flooded with images of Diego having sex with Anna. She couldn't sleep and felt desperate and alone. Doing the writing exercise revealed these thoughts:
Constricting thought: “I bet they're having sex day and night, and she's probably better in bed than I am!”
She realized that the first half of this thought was probably true, because they only saw each other once a month for about 24 hours, so it made sense that they would be having sex frequently. As for the second part of the thought, he realized that she had no way of knowing whether Anna was a better lover, and that she could not control that. And Lena and Diego had a very satisfying sex life, and that would not be changed by Diego having sex with Anna.
Constricting thought: “Diego would rather be with Anna than with me.”
She decided that there was a kernel of truth in that thought. Since Diego only spent one day each month with Anna, he was probably quite eager to see her. This reminded Lena that she had Diego to herself all month long, so she felt a little more generous about sharing him for one day.
Constricting thought: “I'm all alone feeling awful, while he’s in Boston having this great love affair!”
Lena realized that this was true, but that she had a choice about whether to stay home alone in pain. So she went to a polyamory support group, where she got a lot of positive feedback. One person said, “You’ve been together 25 years! He’s obviously totally committed to you.” After Diego returned, Lena shared her fears of being abandoned, and Diego was very reassuring. He added, “Anna is a drama queen! She kept me up half the night processing about the relationship!” Lena began to feel more comfortable with the situation. The next time Diego went to Boston, she focused on him having long “processing” discussions with Anna, and focused on that image to replace the distressing images of them having sex.
Take Stock of your Robust Relationship Resources
You can alleviate fears by understanding how well your relationship meets your needs. Think of your relationship as a bundle of valuable resources, and identify what you receive in your relationship.
For each resource on the list below, rate how important is it to you to receive this in your relationship. Then, rate how well this need is met in your relationship.
For each of the resources below, write down how important is this resource to you? 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
For each of the resources below, how well is this need met in your relationship? 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Affection and sexual satisfaction
Emotional intimacy and closeness
Romantic love and romantic attention
Intellectual rapport and compatibility
Adequate amount of quality time together
Long-term security and stability of the relationship
Companionship
Compatibility in living together
Independence, personal autonomy, and privacy
Now “Do the Math” to identify your “Robust Relationship Resources”
For each relationship resource, write down each one where the numbers you circled for the importance of the resource match the numbers you picked for how well this need is met. This is where you are experiencing abundance, where your relationship comes closest to fulfilling your needs.
Jenna wrote that for Affection and Sexual Satisfaction, Intellectual rapport, and Companionship were all 9 or 10 in importance to her, and they were all 8 or 9 in how well these needs were met. These were her most robust relationship resources, so her core relationship needs were being satisfied. As a result, she was in a much better position to potentially experience some amount of compersion, because she was getting “enough” of the most important resources.
You cannot experience compersion if you feel you are not getting enough of the most important things you are seeking in an intimate relationship. You will feel a chronic shortage, and will experience any time and attention your partner gives to someone else as taking something away from you. In that case, you may benefit from couples’ counseling to strengthen your relationship and help you meet each other’s most important relationship needs. This will make it much more likely that feelings of compersion can begin to grow.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kathy Labriola is a nurse, counselor, and hypnotherapist in private practice in Berkeley, California, providing affordable mental health services to alternative communities including the poly, kink, LGBTQ communities and political activists. Kathy is author of three books, Love in Abundance, and The Jealousy Workbook, published by Greenery Press, and “The Polyamory Break-up Book” published by Thorntree Press. She has been a card-carrying bisexual and polyamorist for nearly 50 years. She is political activist and community organizer. She is extra crunchy, lives in a housing cooperative, rides a bike, and raises chickens and organic vegetables.
Preferred pronouns: she, her
Email address: anarchofeminist@yahoo.com
Website: www.kathylabriola.com
