Jealousy and Compersion in Open Relationships Part III

Guest blog by Kathy Labriola, Counselor, Nurse, & Author

What is compersion?

You may have heard people in open relationships talk about “Compersion.” This refers to feeling happy for your partner when they are in a romantic or sexual relationship with someone else. Because you care about your partner's happiness, it may be possible for you to feel supportive of their other relationships.

Most people feel threatened and “under siege,” when our beloved is with someone else. So we are so consumed with protecting our precious relationship that there is no room for compersion to emerge. As one man said, “If I'm feeling angry and depressed over my wife having a boyfriend, how could I possibly be happy for her?”

Try this Exercise to develop some compersion

Adapted from a Neuro Linguistics Programming technique, this can lead to feelings of compersion. It invites you to develop a broader perspective on your situation by trying to imagine what you, your partner, and their other partner are experiencing.

Step One: Relax by taking three deep breaths and getting more comfortable. Bring to mind and visualize the most recent situation which triggered your jealousy. Remember your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. 

Step Two: Imagine being inside your partner's head, and how they are feeling about themselves, and towards you, and towards their other partner. Try to empathize with any distress they may be feeling, as well as with the love and good feelings they are feeling towards you,  and towards their other partner. 

Step Three: Try to imagine being inside the head of your partner's other partner, as if you could feel their feelings and think their thoughts. Imagine all complicated emotions they are feeling about your partner and about you. 

Step Four: Then imagine floating up above all three of you, and try to imagine that you could see all three points of view simultaneously. 

This may help you feel more love for your partner and their other partner, and empathize more with their experience. And some people feel compersion because they can see that this is stressful for everyone.

Zhang felt intense jealousy when her partner Thom slept overnight for the first time with Alicia. She couldn't sleep, felt “crappy about myself for not being able to handle this,” and felt betrayed and abandoned. After completing the exercise above, she realized that she needed to give herself credit for allowing Thom to spend the night with Alicia, since this was very hard for her to do. She felt proud of herself, and felt strong rather than weak. Then when she imagined being in her partner's shoes, she could see that he felt very pressured, since Alicia was demanding overnights. She could see how hard he was trying to please both of them. And when she tried to get inside Alicia's mind, she actually felt some warmth and concern for her. She realized that Alicia felt very hurt when Thom had to get up out of bed with her and leave at midnight to go home. Zhang felt compassion for Alicia lying in bed alone and feeling abandoned after Thom left. She had felt like she was a victim, suffering while Thom and Alicia were getting all the benefits. She could now see that all three of them were experiencing pain, and they were all working hard.

Jealousy often co-exists with Compersion

Some people have said that compersion is the opposite of jealousy, but in reality, jealousy often co-exists with compersion. Many people experience a combination of painful jealousy mixed in with positive feelings.

Adriana was very confused by her wildly vacillating feelings. One day she was feeling completely crushed by her husband Ruben starting a relationship with Jillian, and the next day she felt happy for him!  Jillian was gorgeous, affluent, and well-respected in her field. Adriana was terrified that Ruben might leave her for someone she saw as “a better catch.” But she was proud that her husband was able to attract such an amazing woman, and this made her value him even more as a partner. And she knew that Ruben was socially awkward and had gone through years of loneliness and rejection, so she was happy that he was experiencing such validation of his sexual desirability. And he was feeling so good that he began showering Adriana with attention and love, so she was see-sawing between feeling angry and betrayed, and wanting to cheer Ruben on!

Kendra was married and had several outside sexual relationships over the years. Then her husband Jamal finally had his first outside relationship with his co-worker Tasha. Kendra simultaneously felt intense jealousy and supportive love towards them both. She was thrilled that he had finally found someone he really liked. But this was such a dramatic change, she was terrified that he didn’t love her anymore. “I was happy he had found a wonderful woman, but I thought this meant she was so unique and special that she would replace me.” Tasha fell in love with another man and married him, continuing to see Jamal. This made Kendra feel much safer and she experienced more compersion.

These mixed feelings can be quite confusing, but they are perfectly normal. It’s natural that you experience some positive feelings when you see your partner happily succeeding at something, even another love relationship! And it’s just as natural to feel threatened and anxious about your partner's sexual and romantic interest in someone else, so it makes sense that these seemingly contradictory feelings would co-exist. Many people only make things harder by telling themselves they “should” feel a certain way. Stop “shoulding” all over yourself! Instead, practice compassion for yourself, your partner, and others.

Sometimes compersion can be a surprise. Jimmie and Rebecca were on the verge of divorce because she was so jealous of him falling in love with Norma and spending a lot of time with her. Rebecca was convinced that Norma was out to steal her husband, and did everything to sabotage the relationship. Then Rebecca was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery and chemotherapy. During Rebecca’s illness, Norma cooked and delivered meals to their home. Norma was self-employed, so she was able to stop by every day while Jimmie was at work. The two women bonded because they were spending time together without Jimmie, and Rebecca began to look forward to seeing Norma every day. Rebecca said that having a life-threatening illness showed her that other things were much more important than whether her husband was dating another woman. So you never know when compersion will sneak up on you when you least expect it! 

JEALOUSY AND COMPERSION IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS PART II

Guest blog by Kathy Labriola, Counselor, Nurse, & Author

What is compersion?

People in open relationships sometimes use the term “Compersion” to describe a combination of pleasant thoughts and feelings you may experience towards your partner when they are sexually involved with someone else. The theory is that because you love your partner, you can feel supportive and happy that they are enjoying an outside lover. This concept seems counter-intuitive to most people, as we are socialized to feel hostile to our partner having any outside sexual interest.

Jealousy is a “constricted state”

Because an outside relationship feels threatening, we “constrict” or hunker down to protect our relationship. In a “constricted” state, the ancient reptilian part of our brain believes that our life is at stake, so all options narrow to focus on survival. This creates such hypervigilance that we are ready to fight rather than problem-solve. We can work towards feeling compersion by noticing this “constricted” state of jealousy and moving towards a more “expansive” state.  If we can override fears, we can feel more trusting, flexible, and open to finding solutions. 

Recognize and counteract constricted thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations

Jealousy creates a constricted mental and emotional state, causing obsessive thoughts and exaggerated fears. It takes a strong effort to counteract these thoughts and feelings. Confronting the distorted and rigid thoughts and critical feelings will help you see if they are accurate, and then taking steps to take care of yourself to move into a more expansive state. 

Pay attention to what your body is telling you

Notice the signs of constriction in your body, in order to be able to modify that state and create additional options. When you are feeling jealous, your jaws may be clenched, the muscles in your neck and shoulders tighten up, and stomach pain or nausea are common.

Any activity that encourages relaxation can help alleviate this physical state of tension. Meditation, relaxation downloads, yoga, walking, gardening, knitting, being in nature, massage, listening to music, can all “retrain” your body to stay more relaxed and comfortable.

Calm your Mind

What thoughts are rushing around in your head during a “jealousy meltdown,” especially thoughts that keep recurring? Write these down and circle the appropriate answer as to whether these statements are likely to be true, false, or have some kernel of truth but not be completely true. Here are a few common examples:

1. ”He doesn't love me anymore; that's why he is dating someone else”

True    False      Contains some small kernel of truth

2. “He must think I'm pathetic and needy”

True    False      Contains some small kernel of truth

3.  “I'll never be good enough for her, and I could never compete with her attractive new lover.”

True    False      Contains some small kernel of truth

If you are able to see that some of your thoughts do not reflect reality, tell yourself: “These are fears, not facts.” Repeat that mantra whenever these specific thoughts recur.

If you can see that some thoughts have a small kernel of truth but are not entirely true, see if you can separate fact from fiction, and write down a more accurate description without exaggeration. The actual truth is usually much easier to handle than the embellished version. 

If you strongly believe that some of these thoughts are 100% true, call a trusted friend and ask them if they agree. If so, then it is probably time to sit down with your partner and share these feelings.

Diego and his partner Lena lived together in New York. Diego developed a relationship with Anna, who lived in Boston where Diego traveled monthly for work. When Diego went to Boston, Lena's mind was flooded with images of Diego having sex with Anna. She couldn't sleep and felt desperate and alone. Doing the writing exercise revealed these thoughts:

Constricting thought: “I bet they're having sex day and night, and she's probably better in bed than I am!”

She realized that the first half of this thought was probably true, because they only saw each other once a month for about 24 hours, so it made sense that they would be having sex frequently. As for the second part of the thought, he realized that she had no way of knowing whether Anna was a better lover, and that she could not control that. And Lena and Diego had a very satisfying sex life, and that would not be changed by Diego having sex with Anna.

Constricting thought: “Diego would rather be with Anna than with me.”

She decided that there was a kernel of truth in that thought. Since Diego only spent one day each month with Anna, he was probably quite eager to see her. This reminded Lena that she had Diego to herself all month long, so she felt a little more generous about sharing him for one day.

Constricting thought: “I'm all alone feeling awful, while he’s in Boston having this great love affair!”

Lena realized that this was true, but that she had a choice about whether to stay home alone in pain. So she went to a polyamory support group, where she got a lot of positive feedback. One person said, “You’ve been together 25 years! He’s obviously totally committed to you.” After Diego returned, Lena shared her fears of being abandoned, and Diego was very reassuring. He added, “Anna is a drama queen! She kept me up half the night processing about the relationship!” Lena began to feel more comfortable with the situation. The next time Diego went to Boston, she focused on him having long “processing” discussions with Anna, and focused on that image to replace the distressing images of them having sex.

Take Stock of your Robust Relationship Resources

You can alleviate fears by understanding how well your relationship meets your needs. Think of your relationship as a bundle of valuable resources, and identify what you receive in your relationship.

For each resource on the list below, rate how important is it to you to receive this in your relationship. Then, rate how well this need is met in your relationship.

For each of the resources below, write down how important is this resource to you?  0  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

For each of the resources below, how well is this need met in your relationship?  0  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Affection and sexual satisfaction

Emotional intimacy and closeness

Romantic love and romantic attention

Intellectual rapport and compatibility

Adequate amount of quality time together

Long-term security and stability of the relationship

Companionship

Compatibility in living together

Independence, personal autonomy, and privacy

Now “Do the Math” to identify your “Robust Relationship Resources”

For each relationship resource, write down each one where the numbers you circled for the importance of the resource match the numbers you picked for how well this need is met. This is where you are experiencing abundance, where your relationship comes closest to fulfilling your needs.

Jenna wrote that for Affection and Sexual Satisfaction, Intellectual rapport, and Companionship were all 9 or 10 in importance to her, and they were all 8 or 9 in how well these needs were met. These were her most robust relationship resources, so her core relationship needs were being satisfied. As a result, she was in a much better position to potentially experience some amount of compersion, because she was getting “enough” of the most important resources.

You cannot experience compersion if you feel you are not getting enough of the most important things you are seeking in an intimate relationship. You will feel a chronic shortage, and will experience any time and attention your partner gives to someone else as taking something away from you. In that case, you may benefit from couples’ counseling to strengthen your relationship and help you meet each other’s most important relationship needs. This will make it much more likely that feelings of compersion can begin to grow.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kathy Labriola is a nurse, counselor, and hypnotherapist in private practice in Berkeley, California, providing affordable mental health services to alternative communities including the poly, kink, LGBTQ communities and political activists. Kathy is author of three books, Love in Abundance, and The Jealousy Workbook, published by Greenery Press, and “The Polyamory Break-up Book” published by Thorntree Press. She has been a card-carrying bisexual and polyamorist for nearly 50 years. She is political activist and community organizer. She is extra crunchy, lives in a housing cooperative, rides a bike, and raises chickens and organic vegetables.

Preferred pronouns: she, her
Email address: anarchofeminist@yahoo.com
Website: www.kathylabriola.com 

Jealousy and Compersion in Open Relationships

Guest blog by Kathy Labriola, Counselor, Nurse, & Author

What is compersion?

You may have heard the term “Compersion” touted by people in open relationships. Compersion is a combination of pleasant thoughts and feelings you may experience towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic or sexual relationship with someone else. Because you care about your partner's happiness, it is at least possible that you can enjoy knowing they are having a delightful relationship with another lover.

Most people laugh out loud when they first hear the concept of compersion. Joanne’s husband told her she “should” feel all warm and fuzzy about him sleeping with someone new. Her response was, “Good luck with that! I'm too busy restraining myself from going nuclear on him to feel any compersion!”

What prevents compersion? Feelings of deprivation, exclusion, and abandonment

There is no guarantee that we can magically create compersion, but we can address the obstacles that prevent it: feelings of deprivation, abandonment, and exclusion. First and foremost, we need to feel we are getting “enough” love and attention before we can hope to feel good about our partner having other lovers, as scarcity will always trump compersion. Our immediate experience is usually intense loss and grief, so our reaction is feeling deprived rather than generous and supportive of our partner's love affair. When Jacob’s wife began a long-distance relationship with another man, he said, “I somehow saw our marriage as a cosmic bank account. I had earned that love over the years of our relationship, and that was like money in the bank. Suddenly, it was like she withdrew my money and gave it to another guy.” 

What can we do to feel better?

Feelings of deprivation, abandonment, and exclusion make us feel powerless and victimized. We become convinced that our partner is responsible for causing our pain, and for relieving that pain. Their behaviors certainly can create distress for us, but we are giving away all our power if we believe that they control the cause and the solution. It’s reasonable to ask our partner to keep agreements, give us love and support, and listen to our feelings and needs. However, we can empower ourselves by implementing self-care to meet more of our own needs.

Moving from Deprivation to Responsibility and Abundance

Many people find the feelings of exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to be so connected that it is difficult to disentangle them. Understanding the distinctions between them can help reduce your jealousy and create compersion. Deprivation is a feeling of sense of scarcity of love, making it impossible to feel good about a partner's other relationships. Moving from deprivation to responsibility and abundance is a way of taking action to meet your needs.

While exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation are different experiences, the solutions are very similar: pursuing activities, experiences, and relationships that provide more meaning and satisfaction in your life, creating a feeling of abundance. Alexis misinterpreted this advice, saying angrily, “I'm already exhausted with my schedule. Cramming more into my life will just make me feel more depleted.”  The goal is NOT to add more commitments but rather to look at ways to reorganize your priorities to better satisfy your needs. This will require dropping some activities, delegating some tasks, and possibly adding more fulfilling experiences. Decrease things that drain you, and allow time and space for “recharging your battery.”

Alexis felt frustrated because her lover lived with his primary partner, and could only see her one night a week. She was an Emergency Room nurse, arriving home each night tired and desperate for companionship. She couldn't keep up with her house, yardwork, and cooking. She was looking to her love relationship to somehow “compensate” for all her stress. So she rented out her spare bedroom to a friend, who shared the costs and work. She changed jobs to a hospital closer to home, so she could sleep more and shorten her commute. On weekends when her lover was with his primary partner, she and her roommate planted a garden together, and enjoyed bike rides. The solution was a two-step process: first eliminating some of the stresses that were exhausting her, and then making changes to meet her needs for comfort, attention, and companionship.

Move from Exclusion to Belonging

Being left home while your partner is having fun with someone else can create resentment and envy, and may feel like being excluded from “the cool clique” as a kid, or being rejected by a previous lover. And you feel more left out if your partner does romantic things with the new lover that may be missing in your relationship: sending flowers, getting sexy texts and emails, or candlelight dinners.

You can move from feeling excluded to a feeling of belonging by taking actions that make you feel more connected, to your partner, to your community, to your own goals and projects. Clara explained, “Exclusion feels like everybody else is gathered around the Christmas tree opening their presents, and I'm outside in the snow all alone looking in the window.” She realized even though her lover Sebastian was dating someone else, she in fact had many avenues of belonging. She had a close relationship with her mother and sister, and was well-respected at her job and felt a sense of belonging and importance there. When she feel left out when her partner was on a date, she reminded herself that she had other options for feeling loved and appreciated. She planned  social events, getting together with family members or friends, or work-related activities, so she would not feel alone.

Move from Abandonment to Autonomy

Most people have some feelings of abandonment when their partner sleeps with someone else. While exclusion is about someone else being chosen to participate while you are being rejected. abandonment is being left alone by someone you expected to be available. So abandonment is more about feeling lonely and wanting companionship and attention. 

“Abandonment” implies that one person is responsible for the well-being of the other. In fact it is not really possible for an adult to be abandoned, because, unlike children, adults are capable of taking care of themselves. We can move from abandonment to autonomy by becoming more independent, giving up the myth that we cannot survive without our partner's attention. Remember that your connection to your partner continues even while they are involved in an outside relationship. Trust in the bond you have with your partner, knowing that your relationship is strong enough to survive these brief separations. 

Moving towards autonomy could mean choosing to pursue an interest, whether that is skiing, starting a band, political activism, a spiritual practice, or going back to school. It could mean spending more time with friends, or more time at work on a special project. Or you may want to start dating someone new or developing a deeper relationship with a current outside partner. Seeing your partner as the source of your happiness gives your relationship way too much power over your life and puts too much pressure on the relationship. Being more independent can be empowering, making you more proactive in creating your own fulfillment.

Compersion may seem elusive, but with some practice, over time you may discover it is starting to happen. It can’t be forced or rushed, so have compassion for yourself and your partners, and allow it to develop naturally.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kathy Labriola is a nurse, counselor, and hypnotherapist in private practice in Berkeley, California, providing affordable mental health services to alternative communities including the poly, kink, LGBTQ communities and political activists. Kathy is author of three books, Love in Abundance, and The Jealousy Workbook, published by Greenery Press, and “The Polyamory Break-up Book” published by Thorntree Press. She has been a card-carrying bisexual and polyamorist for nearly 50 years. She is political activist and community organizer. She is extra crunchy, lives in a housing cooperative, rides a bike, and raises chickens and organic vegetables.

Preferred pronouns: she, her
Email address: anarchofeminist@yahoo.com
Website: www.kathylabriola.com 

Transforming Jealousy and Envy Into Compersion

Adapted from article originally published in Common Ground Magazine, Oct/Nov 2019 issue

See French translation here.

Imagine living with no fear that another person could take an important relationship away from you. Imagine loving yourself completely, and not having to compare yourself to see your own gifts and value. Imagine how each of your relationships would feel without any hint of competition, jealousy, or envy—just the goodness and the love. 

Is this a serious proposition? If so, how would one possibly get there—or at least closer to this ideal? 

While jealousy and envy are an unquestionable part of life, they can also be powerful transformational tools. With our eyes open, we can acknowledge those emotions, understand why they are there, and bring compassion into the places where we feel short changed, left out, or threatened. Our heartfelt exploration of some of the most difficult human experiences can be one of the greatest catalysts for growth and healing. 

One way to become masters of our jealousy and envy is to cultivate compersion—our ability to wholeheartedly participate in the happiness of others and feel sympathetic joy for them, even when their happiness does not involve or benefit us directly. I will dive in more deeply into the concept of compersion in a few moments, but first, it is important to explore what jealousy and envy are, and how they affect us.

Although jealousy and envy go hand-in-hand, they are distinct emotions. Jealousy comes from the fear, real or imagined, that something we value could be taken away: take the stereotypical example of a romantic blowup involving the suspicion or discovery of infidelity, or the discomfort we might feel when our partner flirts or dances with somebody else. Envy, on the other hand, is the bitter feeling we have towards a person who has something we want, but do not have—such as money, power, talent, good looks, status, a romantic relationship, etc. Envy is often camouflaged amongst other emotions: it’s a clenching of the jaw when we witness a colleague get the promotion we have been yearning for; a subtle tension when our attractive friend receives more attention than we do at the bar; a pit in our stomach when we say, “Congratulations on your marriage!”—but have not been on a date in a year. We might be happy for them at one level, but envy reminds us of what we lack by bringing pain into an otherwise joyful situation. Because of its insidious nature, envy is likely to be denied, repressed, and repackaged as judgment. Jealousy and envy might be distinct, but they both stem from the idea that more for you is less for me. Also, they both result in making us feel disconnected from, and sometimes suspicious of, other people.

The result? We disconnect ourselves from our unique sense of value. Our self-esteem and happiness fluctuate like the stock exchange, at the mercy of external appraisals. Even our dearest friends can intrinsically become our rivals, even if covertly so. Jealousy and envy are the invisible walls that keep us separate from one another, and prevent us from becoming fully empowered—individually and collectively.

How can jealousy and envy be transformed into compersion?

The good news is, many people have given serious consideration to this question. For example, transpersonal psychologist Jorge Ferrer has suggested the cultivation of compersion as an antidote to jealousy and competition, and has pointed to Buddhism as one of the main spiritual traditions to have brought forward this concept. Indeed, Buddhists in particular have long considered sympathetic joy (referred to as mudita in Sanskrit) to be one of the four qualities of the enlightened person—the other three being loving kindness (metta), compassion (karuna), and equanimity (upeksha). In their eyes, mudita remedies the illusory separateness between self and others and can therefore be a powerful vehicle on the path to liberation.

A second group who consider sympathetic joy as an ideal are consensually non-monogamous individuals—a designation that comprises polyamorists, swingers, folks in open relationships, and others who engage in concurrent intimate relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved. These individuals take the unusual stance that jealousy should not rule their lives or relationship choices, and that selfless love can be cultivated in its place. For a consensually non-monogamous person, the experience of sympathetic joy for their partner when they intimately bond with someone else may be a source of pleasure, fulfillment and connection—and it is something that can be cultivated. In fact, they coined the word compersion in the early 1990’s because they lacked an English word to designate their experience.

Just like the Buddhist experience of mudita, compersion can be cultivated in any context where jealousy or envy may arise: it is not restricted to intimate or romantic connections. Therefore, the lessons learned in non-monogamous contexts can be used by the rest of us to create more loving relationships and communities. Here are some of these lessons, inspired from my own experience with jealousy and envy as well as my research on compersion:

1)  Make an ideological commitment. Take a personal stance about becoming a master of your jealousy and envy, rather than the other way around. A strong mental decision can go a long way in helping you stay the course when the road gets rough.

2)  Validate, validate, validate. Do not be ashamed of your jealousy or envy: these are very normal emotions! Embrace and feel them with compassion. If possible, share your experience with someone you trust to be non-judgmental: to be witnessed in this space will help soften the emotion as well as defuse the shame.

3)  Understand what you are feeling and why. Use your jealousy and envy as giant flashlights to illuminate your deepest wounds and desires. Become a detective of your own emotional landscape: Where does the jealousy or envy arise from? Is it pointing to a painful trauma or wound, such as a fear of abandonment? What are your main jealousy or envy triggers? This information will help you become more intimate with yourself by understanding the sources of your discomfort more closely.

4)  Turn competition into self-improvement. Competition can be used positively to fuel you towards self-improvement. Use the clarity you are gaining about your jealousy or envy triggers as a motivational force to achieve the things you really want. What can you learn from someone you are jealous or envious of about how to fulfill your own needs and desires?

5)  Bring love, generosity, and connection into the situation. While separateness breeds jealousy, connection breeds love and compersion. Create a sincere and intentional connection with the person you feel jealous or envious of; challenge yourself to connect with them personally, and to be generous with them. If you notice envy of a specific category of people, for example “people who are more conventionally attractive than me”, pick someone who represents this group for you. If this is unattainable, offer an act of kindness to someone else instead, but with the same intentionality. It could be as simple as a small gift or compliment. This will shift your internal dynamic from being a victim to feeling empowered and generous in that space.

Learning to master our jealousy and envy is not an easy feat, but it allows us to love deeper and support one another in both our strengths and weaknesses—which ultimately makes all of us stronger. Compersion, or sympathetic joy, is the realization that more for you is more for me, because none of us are actually separate. It takes courage and perseverance to cultivate a radically loving life in this way, but in choosing to take those steps, we hold the power to create a brighter reality for ourselves and others.